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Man Changes Programming Language

In an announcement on Monday 18 January, a programmer made clear he was going to change the language he uses to write computer programs.

The suprise announcement, thought to be the first instance of such a switch, caused shock and outrage amongst the programming community.

Programming Newsgroups, renowned for their in-depth and timely discussions, immediately jammed up with messages on the subject such as "See I always told you my programming language was better than yours, nah!", "Hey I thought it was you, let's meet up a VBITS and have a laugh" and "Hot sex xxx download a teenage porn hamster".

Our reporters took to the streets to ask people what they thought about the switch.

"I don't know what the hell a programming language is, and stop wasting my bloody time", said James Parsnip, a young banker, from his specially registered Porsche. "Oh, but while you're here, I'm having problems pasting a mail into Excel and sending it through Notes via Access to my client who hasn't got a computer, how do I do it?", the thrusting but overweight banker asked before speeding off.

Crowd Pleaser
Computer industry members were clearly in a turmoil about how to handle the news. One ex-programmer didn't give his name, but did tell us he had been forced to stop coding in order to earn a living wage and now instead had to use a program only known by its codename "PeopleSoft". When pressed for a quote regardless he did say "This is all wibble and I'm a goat breeder".

There I Was, Completely Naked and Covered in Pasta
Lisa Marchant-Henbury, a computer professional working with an Internet consultancy said "I've no idea why you even need a language at all, Shockwave does all that, doesn't it?" before rushing off to pitch a "totally awesome new site - we've got rid of the passe navigation links, instead there are continually rushing bubbles whose colour and image represents the feel of the product".

vbAccelerator's reporter was forced to make his excuses and hang around, asking if a beer or dinner might be on the cards.

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Copyright 1998-1999, Steve McMahon ( All Rights Reserved.
Last updated: 27 February 1999